gallbladder blues
Listen:
This is what I am not:
An atypical motif used to advance this narrative. Well okay, I’m that too, but…
Listen:
This is what I am:
I am Albert’s gallbladder.
Listen:
I do not sound like Edward Norton in that punching movie based on a book of the same name and I do not sound like Bruce Willis in that movie about a talking sperm.
This is what I sound like:
* * *
Listen:
This is where I am:
I am tucked away, nestled against Albert’s liver. His liver is slightly fatty, which makes it inflamed/warmer.
Listen:
This is where Albert is:
Albert is currently at a weight loss surgery support group. Weight loss surgery is when a surgeon either attach the smallest section of your upper stomach to the jejunum, bypassing the duodenum, or they insert a lap-band around the top portion of your stomach which squeezes it and prevents food from easily passing through. You see, passing food too easily is the obese person’s plight.
But the lap-band doesn’t stop “mush” from passing through says one of the ladies at support group. Mush is not oatmeal; mush is ice cream, milk shakes, finely chewed pastries and cakes. This comment is of no concern of mine, Richard is opting to have the Roux En Y, which is the one where they resect your innards. Even mush is tough to pass through your stomach after Roux En Y.
No one ever asks their stomach how they feel about this. (They’re miffed.)
* * *
What concerns me is another lady who asks Albert if he still has his gallbladder. Her name is Tanya.
I quickly respond to her question but like I said, this isn’t the movie where Bruce Willis plays a sperm so she cannot hear me.
If she could hear me it would have sounded like this:
* * *
Listen:
This is what Tanya is:
Tanya is a lot of things. For example, she is a liar, or at least, gullible. She says she’s in SAG, I make a quick quip about the excess skin dangling from her arms, waist, buttocks, and even ankles. No one laughs. She thinks she’s playing a POW in an upcoming film, but I’ve seen the trailer and the movie is actually about a mental institution. I think this is more fitting.
She informs him she might not have me for much longer. This is disheartening. Not insofar as I particularly enjoy Albert, but more because I enjoy being me and unfortunately, without Albert I cease to do just that.
At the support group people say that if they didn’t have Weight Loss Surgery they would be dead. I tell myself if Albert gets the Weight Loss Surgery I will be dead. I imagine I am informed of my death by post. The letter reads like this:
Dear Gallbladder, It’s Weight Loss Surgery; you’re fucked.
* * *
Listen:
Someone is going to die.
The person holding this sign is going to die:
* * *
A few years back a capricious youth sang karaoke at a bar called Hong Kong. Hong Kong is just down the street from where the person holding the sign sat in Harvard Square. The youth sang Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Prior to singing he explained that Bohemian Rhapsody was about HIV/AIDS. Freddie Mercury, who was the lead singer of Queen and wrote Bohemian Rhapsody had HIV/AIDS, that’s why the youth brought it up in the first place. He told everyone to make sure to where a condom.
A condom is a raincoat for your penis. A lap-band is a cock ring for your stomach.
Listen:
This is how HIV/AIDS works:
First you get HIV and then full-blown AIDS. Full-blown is a euphemism for, “you’re fucked.”
As in: Dear Freddie, It’s AIDS; you’re fucked.
But this works both ways because AIDS is shortsighted and when Freddie, or the person holding the sign dies so too does AIDS. As in: Dear AIDS, It’s Pneumonia; you’re fucked.
Albert is being shortsighted too. He’s drunk on visions of full-blown weight loss. As in: Dear Gallbladder, it’s Rapid and Immense Weight Loss; you’re fucked.
Listen:
Before Freddie Mercury died of full-blown AIDS he wrote and performed a lot of songs about a variety of topics. One of the songs he sang was about fat bottomed girls. There are a lot of those at the support group I am attending with Albert. For example, Tanya.
Even though Freddie Mercury was a homosexual man and eventually got full-blown AIDS and died he could sing about wanting big fat fatties. Here’s why: because he’s a performer and a real talent.
Listen:
I’ll prove it:
